Punch drunk love

 I mean this is a person who has had to be the black sheep of the family, he's been picked on by his sisters, he's blamed and made fun of, he cries for no reason, he really is trying to move forward through the unknown traumas that we don't know of. He's also trying to keep secrets and lies, like calling that number, and doesn't know how to stand up for himself.

William defoe

 On the stuff I am talking about

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DIVQt_hRiXd/?igsh=MXZ0MDRwMTBmNWY3bQ==

The scientific method

 Just in science that scientists create a hypothesis that they want to test out to see if it's correct or not, writing is my scientific method where I have an idea that I don't know about so I experiment on the page, ocean Wong said a sentence is a laboratory and not performance of power, and then I'm trying to figure out if this hunch is there or even the beauty of what I don't know because I'm Letting Go in my writing. I'm just following where the writing is taking me as much as I'm writing. And it's hard to tell people this because we're always taught in academic and school settings that writing has to have a purpose and that you have to write because the teacher is asking you to. That teachers are also part of a system where they have to show results in performance and not the joy of learning and discovery that happens when you put all of that performance aside.

One more thing about pattern recognition

 When I realized poetry is about assembling three even four things together and finding the language that cross references these ideas in a figurative way, I realize that my own line of thinking with whatever stresses I might be under as well as whatever lessons I still have to learn, the mistakes I make, and the need for healing drive my mind into thinking of how these aren't separate things but collective. Even tokopah Turner sees writing as ecological that your mind in touch with Mind Body nature and how your reliant on nature will mimic these systems of needing dreams to tell us to come give me to give us its own language of how our bodies are part of the system of the world.

Pattern recognition

 I I just realized about my own pattern recognition that I know I've always had a hard time finding something in the refrigerator because it's not where I was thinking it would be even as it might be in front of me, because that's the big joke and we know that's because I'm neurodivergent. But when Carrie said this to me about pattern recognition I had never even thought about using that as a lens on how I even function in the world or why I love reading writing

With pattern recognition we can get a sense of rhetoric, the rhetorical copies like what you would read in a lawyer's document or the newspaper. These are very easy to do it because our minds get used to the rhetoric of how something sounds. Even in a car to someone homework has it down right that we pick up a card and we want it to read a certain way so that we pick it because of that. But that's what I love about poetry is it disrupts the rhetoric, that it depends on the figurative language that is always fresh as a writer can freshly write it, and the surprise of even the line break because of enjambment that breaking the line creates a little surprise every time. It alates me it's I'm reading for the surprise I'm reading for what not to expect. This is similar to going to the movies that yeah I'm going to go to a movie that's formulaic because it's going to fit a certain psychological need at the time. For example if things are really going tough in my life I don't mind a good romantic comedy that I'll know hey everyone's going to leave this film feeling good and yeah the acting subpar or the acting is okay and we know where it's going and we going to we know what to expect. But I'd go to those other movies that will transform me because I have no idea where things are going. We know that these twists what we call the twists are a fun because it means that there are certain things that have been with us through the whole movie and then all the sudden it's obvious this real big surprise twist ending that we read the movie wrong. Also when things are like that in literature or poetry like that saying the surprising should be oh the ending should be both surprising yet inevitable. I mean there's something just magic that's why they call it movie Magic. That's why they call it something engaging and even on the Mythic level that tell us our values our ethics are

Okay so that's what I mean when I'm reading each student paper because each student is taking me for a kind of Joyride where I don't know what to expect and they might even phrase something different in a sentence that maybe a teacher like I had had in elementary school would have said this sounds weird but I should have said no that's exactly how I wanted it to sound. I want to play with language I want to play with what can happen that I'm not even expecting as I'm writing. In other words yeah I already am too fixed in the patterns but in my brain playing with those patterns and putting them on a page I love what it does to me as a writer.

That's why GPT is the greatest letdown because I know right away because a pattern recognition that I'm reading something gpt. And then because of this pattern recognition which and people like me who are neurodivergent we have a really strong Keen sense of pattern recognition that we just kind of let our brain do its own work. That I get excited just like I got excited as Sherlock Holmes and all the Mysteries like it's up to me to go okay I'm sleuth now. I go to GPT run my own prompt based on how I know it works, and then many many times I'm able to show a student look how to PT Works with what you turned in. And then this is where the real delicate matter must be. It cannot be out of oppressive forms of power. That we can't blame students for using GPT when it's the culture that has provided this tool out of whatever capitalism, shortcuts, saying not valuing personal writing, that really the devaluing writing and reading, and on top of that the Hoops the checkboxes the let's see how tough you can be to get through this grueling program to get your degree let's just see if you're worth it. What I'm trying to say is you're already worth it.

And that's why people use GPT because of stress and time. I know that's the reason why that it's not that anyone's ethical or unethical which I was just trying to use a way but I need to stop even doing that language. I'm just going to Simply get my evidence sit down with the student and say hey my brain can't assess writing if it's not yours. This reminds me well maybe I don't know if I should share this this reminds me of the lies and secrets I had to keep in order to be safe because when you're talking about dysfunctional families or families of abuse you're going to have the one side that is the abuse but then on the other you're going to have the secrets and lies just because of survival and the psychological need to keep going Day by day.

Pattern recognition is how survivors can read other survivors in the world and try to build allyship and support in the most delicate way that would not re-traumatize someone. That's why we have these Open Mic poetry readings because these are issues that deeply affect us in a culture that would blame victims, that would laugh at such things. We need to create the safe spaces for others that we can all lift up survivors as well as be lifted ourselves.

Jayhowk

 Going into Jayhawk Collectibles is like the imaginary Emporium in other words it's a blast from the past of a childhood we grew up with. Many of us were Geeks and nerds in a time where such labels were derogatory. It just took popular culture to catch up with us is now seen in the recent superhero films as we already grew up with the Mythos and religious practices of such belief systems. But I also want to say this is where seeing such a collection where someone would sell, also means that I know for from my experiences that collecting also means trying to heal from those broken childhoods in which collecting these things will never work. I was a collector of ornaments toys cards figures you name it. That's why these Collectibles can be so expensive while Legos can be so expensive because not just the engagement but I'm guessing there is something of someone trying to heal if it's too out of control. If you're relying on such things for happiness then that's also a definition of addiction.

Teaching is healing

 It is an ongoing healing process I learn from

My mistakes make me stronger, just as I ask students to be open about mistakes, in writing and gpt

If you've only been asked to write an academic settings no wonder so many people hate writing if all they received is negative comments about the writing no wonder people hate writing

I need to stop using language that's talking about ethics or non-ethical people, and stop viewing it as students ethics but that they are only trying to survive. I need to just tell them I that this is something about me that I can't act as if, I can't act in a big lie that this is their work and I'm going to give comments on it this is something about my own Survivor Journey as I come from a family we're lying in secrets were a norm

What I mean is that because there are abusive people on one side of the family the other side of the family has to lie and keep secrets in order to survive