Pedantic

 Rob used to call my poetry pedantic. Maybe it's because well he'd put take crack shots but I also like that about him. He too seemed like to be coming into a place of healing from something else. Of course that teacher Robert Johnson would take pokes at us. It's the trouble with masculinity. The thing about being pedantic in my brain is trying to figure things out and finding a way to make sense of it through certain ways of creating a statement. Of course the qualifiers help that we don't want to say all but many or some

Being pedantic or just trying to make sense of the world through all of the different things that come to me in my brain or things I've read or things I'm engaged in

It's the same with the latest Batman movie where hypermasculinity is about hyper individualism. But it can also be someone with cptsd not able to move out into the world. Of course we also need to think about neurodivergence. As I'm near a Divergent and went through trauma it was very hard for me difficult for me to put even things in words. And so now it's likely that some of the words I use sound pedantic because I'm still trying to flex those muscles and not think to rock brain about it

Classroom religious

 I noticed when people pray, they close their eyes and bowed at their heads. Someone often leads in prayer with their words. Maybe closing the eyes is to avoid visual distractions. It's also to help concentrate on the words. In my classroom, even though I'm not asking people to close their eyes and bow down, I would still like for them to concentrate on my words and keep their visuals distractions be a cell phones away

Don't worry about being too avant-garde

 “Something comes out, and it’s too avant-garde at the time. And then the real world catches up with it,” he says,

https://www.empireonline.com/movies/news/tron-ares-upgrade-saga-holy-grail-graphics-exclusive/

Persona

 Poetry writing class a student who is in the theater said that's how you take on a role of acting, that you read the script and learn the character but then you have to make some kind of connection with that character. You figure out how to enter that character's world through something you have in common and then you can inhabit that character in a way no one else can. That you aren't yourself when acting but you also are through that character.

And no one else can act that character like you can.

The same with Persona poetry, how I loved learning about it through the poet Ai and was deeply moved by how her ethics of being someone of color couldn't have it serial killers and other white people because the oppressed know the oppressors more than themselves.

Persona poetry taking on the mask and that you can actually feel more through that.

So as I'm reading about all of the different names going around about who will be the Batman in The Bold and the brave, I realized I'll try to connect with that character. And I'm thinking of childhood and the feeling of being an orphan the orphan archetype.

Then I start crying. It's because of these untapped parts of my childhood that I haven't explored still as someone who could see it at a distance. That I don't want to relive it has that causes damage but to see it objectively in this idea of in happening a character who is felt those archetypes that I have that we all have in US allowed for me to release some kind of visceral feeling.

Boyhood

 Boy, I hated that movie. Maybe it's because we are faced with our own childhoods when we see a movie like that one. As a parent we have to face our own childhoods as we're bringing up our children. But I find that the worst space is when you return to a place from childhood even as an adult there are those days that you've let your guard down for some reason and those floods of memories come back. Like I'm at Gage Park and thinking of all of those things while trying to remain optimistic and grounded that my son is here learning theater learning the tricks and the trade as they say, Helen Hawker,

I want to load up all of those experiences that could play me onto the back of the train and let it take a ride around the park

 but that I think of me when my own theater experience as horrid the grease Musical for a movie I loved but was treated so horribly by those older teenagers. And then I let myself be the Clown because I don't know how to fit in. So much of me not wanting to be a boy and having all of those expectations that I just wanted to care about others in this gender dichotomy. That even the Young woman who was put up by her friends to give me a kiss on the last day as I was waiting for my ride I was wondering then where are her friends? Where are they watching from? And I didn't give a kiss. I told her I was uncomfortable I told her the truth

Follow the fun

 https://www.instagram.com/reel/DJAylIpv5Tb/?igsh=MTdwdDRiNXgyd2g1aA==

So much goodness in this, that the way to look at having fun is to write the movie you want to see, or in my case the book I want to read. I need to put this Forefront write the book I want to read then I'm going to have fun reading.

July and beyond

 first week: just rest and decompress

 second week: fun brainstorm, set up table of contents, 

Aug 4 send slides UUFT 

Aug 17 UUFT presentation

Aug 19: Kansas City Speakers Bureau

Oct 1 Colby Speakers Bureau

16-19 writers colony

 Nov 20-23 NCTE

 

Drama

 my mistakes this summer in handling GPT work

to avoid copying those oppressive-based professors

online, no student knows me

while I see the signs for drama--that some thrive off of it based on my familial, workbased, and bad friendship experiences

some people love digging down

drama and the need for it

drama thriller

you are being melodramatic, but there is something about our brains that might be drawn to this?

 

Redirect, not block

 As I am fully engaged in how to help students, how I learned not to reach out by email in any way to "confront" with GPT evidence, how students have to remain in their stance--even dig in.

 I, too, get dramatic if I am accussed of something I didn't do. I, too, can rally people to help if someone is out to get me.

 That statement comes from my experiences.

Now I need to let it go after this semester, because the big vision is the sabbatical project.

Maybe I will write a chapter called Drama? 

Chatter

 As someone with adhd, that's what I call it. As the overall mind doesn't stop thinking, there are other possibilities that come to intrude, especially when asked a question or when we can pull in for different things at once but we know we have to find a way just to discuss one. I know if my most calmest meditations the chatter is gone. And I can just focus on the breathing in the body. 

This is also what happens to me at the movies. And this is also what happens to me when I'm in that Zone of poetics. It's because my mind is fully engaged and open to possibilities. It's an engagement that I'm happening on a different level where I can just experience. Even in creating a poem, it's the best one I Let Go

Believers in the 20s

 So what we know post pandemic is that more people would rather stay at home to stream movies than they would going to the theaters. And while we're really know there's a push to go to the movies bye Hollywood ads, we have to also acknowledge that there's something special about such ritual making. That I know what it means to go to a movie theater because of the rituals and Healthcare that I've gone through. That when others might see movies is just entertainment or even emotionally moving, I recognize that they have a healing power for me. I mean even 28 years later I love the genre bending and challenging that Alex garland does to get us in the state of being scared and terrified when it's actually the world we need to be scared of at this present moment. And why the movie goes into a deep message about love and what Humanity means because we need that message. We can't remain scared that we have to be able to leave those who would lie to us and leave like the hero's journey home to become transformed in love.

Sabbatical wishes

 As the sabbatical approaches and what I mean is July is the full on start for me, I want to make sure that I'm going to start taking good care of my own body. It's going to require also what I'd like to do with that writing that comes from somatic practices. I was noticing in my poetry writing where I get into the letting go and letting the words down that it's a cool way to connect memories. So I'm going to try that too. So here's my list.

I want to treat Monday through Friday as the working days, and Saturday and Sunday as days of rest.

I'm not going to drink a beer every night, but maybe on Friday nights.

Having going to the gym, the rec center at washburn, Monday through Friday as part of my work day.

Eating well

Carrie gets Thursdays

Cinema speculation

 I'm looking at Quentin Tarantino's new book, a memoir of stories about working in hollywood, and I'm not buying it. Okay, it's not that I don't believe him, but I'm just not forking over the money to buy this. Also, it's problematic to me as he defended Weinstein when finally women came forward as survivors, out of the male dominant oppressive system of Hollywood that protected him, that victim blames women and employs silencing tactics.

You should look at that interview, that Tarantino couldn't know or even step back to see just because Weinstein treated him great doesn't mean he's not a monster.

And I'm looking through this book now and seeing that it's full of these stories that dip into his memoir, but I don't see any mention or lifting of survivors. 

It's all about Tarantino and how he describes his fun.

Some of the best memoirs coming out from people in The Biz for me is showing how the silencing and traumas are intertwined with the public, the personal in the public reflecting on being a survivor, and in writing survivors are healed through the writing itself.

There is no speculation for me that the women who come forward as well as the men or anyone I might add are creating speculation. This is for real. 

Film as representation

 Yes, plenty of films about boys surviving abusive fathers. But where is one film that shows in honesty how two people, one abusive, one enabling, happens to be respectively female and male? 

And I mean in the way that the abuser is also a Survivor which is why the enabler is fully understanding of why they might do what they do.

Gone Girl, now that's a movie that I think of my first girlfriend. When anyone could be mentally unhealthy disordered or illness

And he still goes back to her.

As movies can allow us the Deep empathy, that allows us to inhabit bodies, that I can inhabit the feeling of being able to escape someone who is abusive.

There was a time I felt shameful for being a boy as well as being a man. There are times I wanted to be a mother and Carrie knows that I even mentioned that bond.

During my ma celebration where people bought me drinks, I love pina coladas, I somehow shouted out or said out loud I'm a lesbian trapped in a man's body. Everyone looked at me and laughed woth me. I was trying to put something in words that only something ridiculous could come out. Of course they knew I was raised by two moms so that was on my side.

That's why I love movies with strong female leads or even lesbian couples because it reminds me of the times I admired my mother's. Of course they had their own childhood traumas and things were always peachy keen.

But we always loved movies 

We found ways to come back to each other

Punch drunk love

 I mean this is a person who has had to be the black sheep of the family, he's been picked on by his sisters, he's blamed and made fun of, he cries for no reason, he really is trying to move forward through the unknown traumas that we don't know of. He's also trying to keep secrets and lies, like calling that number, and doesn't know how to stand up for himself.

William defoe

 On the stuff I am talking about

https://www.instagram.com/reel/DIVQt_hRiXd/?igsh=MXZ0MDRwMTBmNWY3bQ==

The scientific method

 Just in science that scientists create a hypothesis that they want to test out to see if it's correct or not, writing is my scientific method where I have an idea that I don't know about so I experiment on the page, ocean Wong said a sentence is a laboratory and not performance of power, and then I'm trying to figure out if this hunch is there or even the beauty of what I don't know because I'm Letting Go in my writing. I'm just following where the writing is taking me as much as I'm writing. And it's hard to tell people this because we're always taught in academic and school settings that writing has to have a purpose and that you have to write because the teacher is asking you to. That teachers are also part of a system where they have to show results in performance and not the joy of learning and discovery that happens when you put all of that performance aside.

One more thing about pattern recognition

 When I realized poetry is about assembling three even four things together and finding the language that cross references these ideas in a figurative way, I realize that my own line of thinking with whatever stresses I might be under as well as whatever lessons I still have to learn, the mistakes I make, and the need for healing drive my mind into thinking of how these aren't separate things but collective. Even tokopah Turner sees writing as ecological that your mind in touch with Mind Body nature and how your reliant on nature will mimic these systems of needing dreams to tell us to come give me to give us its own language of how our bodies are part of the system of the world.

Pattern recognition

 I I just realized about my own pattern recognition that I know I've always had a hard time finding something in the refrigerator because it's not where I was thinking it would be even as it might be in front of me, because that's the big joke and we know that's because I'm neurodivergent. But when Carrie said this to me about pattern recognition I had never even thought about using that as a lens on how I even function in the world or why I love reading writing

With pattern recognition we can get a sense of rhetoric, the rhetorical copies like what you would read in a lawyer's document or the newspaper. These are very easy to do it because our minds get used to the rhetoric of how something sounds. Even in a car to someone homework has it down right that we pick up a card and we want it to read a certain way so that we pick it because of that. But that's what I love about poetry is it disrupts the rhetoric, that it depends on the figurative language that is always fresh as a writer can freshly write it, and the surprise of even the line break because of enjambment that breaking the line creates a little surprise every time. It alates me it's I'm reading for the surprise I'm reading for what not to expect. This is similar to going to the movies that yeah I'm going to go to a movie that's formulaic because it's going to fit a certain psychological need at the time. For example if things are really going tough in my life I don't mind a good romantic comedy that I'll know hey everyone's going to leave this film feeling good and yeah the acting subpar or the acting is okay and we know where it's going and we going to we know what to expect. But I'd go to those other movies that will transform me because I have no idea where things are going. We know that these twists what we call the twists are a fun because it means that there are certain things that have been with us through the whole movie and then all the sudden it's obvious this real big surprise twist ending that we read the movie wrong. Also when things are like that in literature or poetry like that saying the surprising should be oh the ending should be both surprising yet inevitable. I mean there's something just magic that's why they call it movie Magic. That's why they call it something engaging and even on the Mythic level that tell us our values our ethics are

Okay so that's what I mean when I'm reading each student paper because each student is taking me for a kind of Joyride where I don't know what to expect and they might even phrase something different in a sentence that maybe a teacher like I had had in elementary school would have said this sounds weird but I should have said no that's exactly how I wanted it to sound. I want to play with language I want to play with what can happen that I'm not even expecting as I'm writing. In other words yeah I already am too fixed in the patterns but in my brain playing with those patterns and putting them on a page I love what it does to me as a writer.

That's why GPT is the greatest letdown because I know right away because a pattern recognition that I'm reading something gpt. And then because of this pattern recognition which and people like me who are neurodivergent we have a really strong Keen sense of pattern recognition that we just kind of let our brain do its own work. That I get excited just like I got excited as Sherlock Holmes and all the Mysteries like it's up to me to go okay I'm sleuth now. I go to GPT run my own prompt based on how I know it works, and then many many times I'm able to show a student look how to PT Works with what you turned in. And then this is where the real delicate matter must be. It cannot be out of oppressive forms of power. That we can't blame students for using GPT when it's the culture that has provided this tool out of whatever capitalism, shortcuts, saying not valuing personal writing, that really the devaluing writing and reading, and on top of that the Hoops the checkboxes the let's see how tough you can be to get through this grueling program to get your degree let's just see if you're worth it. What I'm trying to say is you're already worth it.

And that's why people use GPT because of stress and time. I know that's the reason why that it's not that anyone's ethical or unethical which I was just trying to use a way but I need to stop even doing that language. I'm just going to Simply get my evidence sit down with the student and say hey my brain can't assess writing if it's not yours. This reminds me well maybe I don't know if I should share this this reminds me of the lies and secrets I had to keep in order to be safe because when you're talking about dysfunctional families or families of abuse you're going to have the one side that is the abuse but then on the other you're going to have the secrets and lies just because of survival and the psychological need to keep going Day by day.

Pattern recognition is how survivors can read other survivors in the world and try to build allyship and support in the most delicate way that would not re-traumatize someone. That's why we have these Open Mic poetry readings because these are issues that deeply affect us in a culture that would blame victims, that would laugh at such things. We need to create the safe spaces for others that we can all lift up survivors as well as be lifted ourselves.

Jayhowk

 Going into Jayhawk Collectibles is like the imaginary Emporium in other words it's a blast from the past of a childhood we grew up with. Many of us were Geeks and nerds in a time where such labels were derogatory. It just took popular culture to catch up with us is now seen in the recent superhero films as we already grew up with the Mythos and religious practices of such belief systems. But I also want to say this is where seeing such a collection where someone would sell, also means that I know for from my experiences that collecting also means trying to heal from those broken childhoods in which collecting these things will never work. I was a collector of ornaments toys cards figures you name it. That's why these Collectibles can be so expensive while Legos can be so expensive because not just the engagement but I'm guessing there is something of someone trying to heal if it's too out of control. If you're relying on such things for happiness then that's also a definition of addiction.

Teaching is healing

 It is an ongoing healing process I learn from

My mistakes make me stronger, just as I ask students to be open about mistakes, in writing and gpt

If you've only been asked to write an academic settings no wonder so many people hate writing if all they received is negative comments about the writing no wonder people hate writing

I need to stop using language that's talking about ethics or non-ethical people, and stop viewing it as students ethics but that they are only trying to survive. I need to just tell them I that this is something about me that I can't act as if, I can't act in a big lie that this is their work and I'm going to give comments on it this is something about my own Survivor Journey as I come from a family we're lying in secrets were a norm

What I mean is that because there are abusive people on one side of the family the other side of the family has to lie and keep secrets in order to survive

Sound of settling

 Settling

Sometimes the mind doesn't even know what it's doing because the heart is craving to be with someone but the mind says who's going to love you? No one possibly would.

Honestly I lucked out with Carrie

But I do want to say those brief two years I grew a lot as single

Escalation

 Trauma based upbringings teach escalation, fight or flight

Or maybe even stress situations that I didn't even realize I was escalating things as I was just trying to ask students for their work and not GPT

Ones that got away

 So many tropes

La la land

Even friends I might have accidentally lost because I didn't teach in to keep in touch, or friends that stopped staying in touch because of whatever I've said or done, and even recently where I feel I've lost a friend whom I'm not going to meet for lunch again because of something I had said then quickly apologized. The reality is I need to remember boundaries. And I need to be very respectful of those boundaries by not trying to reach out and make things awkward.

Even as groups of people I've been through school with still might get together but I'm not included, I need to remember that that is okay that that is what just happened because of the circumstances in places and no one ever means for things to happen. That would separate such friendships.

I guess the best way I like to put things as I have been married before, is that no one gets married thinking they're going to get divorced.

Pattern recognition

 Why I am great at gpt recognition and it look over texts to see the similarities

Speed reader, computer programmer analyst, a teacher of English and a reader of texts

Poetry

Comedians have a high-level pattern recognition, puns, play with words

The battle over superman

 https://www.ign.com/articles/snydercut-subreddit-issues-statement-after-james-gunn-dismisses-fan-calling-for-mass-superman-review-bomb-campaign

This really shows the toxic masculinity culture we live in. Hyper individualism and the call to spread lies to bomb something really gets in the way of an artist and Storyteller doing all they can to help out the culture. James Gunn deliberately made Superman this time to be that nuanced exploration of how not taking sides in what would be a political fight would work better. As Superman is alien, this concept is alien.

Concessions

 I have the feeling I've already blogged about this, about how buying concessions or giving someone concessions has this strange duality. That the word has different meanings. And to find out the root of it. Plus I realized trying to go to see how to train your dragon that we were not going to buy any concessions for the boys. I realize that that was a deep way of handling stress, my mom would often snack. She even created a candy stash for the boys at her old house. I had problems with that too that I would buy candy as a boy and hide it so no one would know. I would go out to the tree to eat it and then my sister reported on me. Of course the parents response that was I was hiding candy and I had to share. I was disciplined for this thing about secrets and lies that keep the secrets and lies going because it's disciplinary and not corrective. I still have a trouble with hiding I even hid soda pop when I was addicted to it. The addictions hiding secrets and things we want for ourselves are all part of the issue coming out of such families that are dysfunctional.

In fact USDA subsidies of junk food are why junk food is cheap and for many families the only way to buy food. Similar to going through McDonald's drive-thru I'm not going to blame anyone who has to go through that drive-thru because there's already so much at risk so much stress so much Limited funds. White Dollar General is so popular because Everything's a Dollar so forth so if you only have so much money injured craving and needing things you're going to go to Dollar General and spend all the money you have there.

King Corn the documentary showed we are made of corn. Going to the movies as a corn experience.

Nobody was here

 The film Nobody really plays up the masculinity tropes of how a man should protect his castle and those he loves. It creates these real world bullying situations. It shows that he needs to protect people by not taking action in which he's criticized for. Such a good film in these ways that it shows if you are aware or have the masculinity lens, that he's going to play things cool once he's even caught. He's all powerful he can take out anybody but yet he also keeps a cat on him

The day by day tedious tasks that even has an office in a factory and that he has to go through all of these everyday routines. As the whole week is highlighted as a repetition.

Train Your Dragon

 maybe the movie series represents the dragon in us--that we can be fierce or loving

of course the boys! 

the mythic, too 

Healer seeker archetype

 https://youtu.be/UKhl5CyWDJY?si=rM0Rw6jF3mRMSF0N

Writing is healing

 And as I'm trying to write a book about writing his healing I am going to have to write into the unknowing, that there are definitely things I won't know until I get there through the writing, because that's where the healing also happens, and the uncovering, recovery, looking for what is there and the safety of already being there because I found the words that led me there from the words that I've already written.

Nonfiction now conference and the film that they are showing

 Watch How We Got Here on Tubi: https://link.tubi.tv/WuCCMpAN7Tb

https://www.nonfictionow.org/

My summer of closing the gap between my body and the Sun

 Talk about movies being visceral

CA ritualmoving ahead

Collection of joy

Talk about how the Endless Summer documented really created a culture of surf as people were looking for the ideal they were looking for the Utopia as they also knew that if they find it it wouldn't last long

Tje virgin suicides

 Purityculture damages, men want one thing

Women and Other Monsters

Healing from writing

Raised to not objectify women, eye cast out

Sci fi meet gpt

 https://deadline.com/2025/06/openai-sam-altman-obsessed-2013-film-empire-of-ai-karen-hao-1236422943/

Wes anderson

 With his authorship and so many people writing about him, and even the breakout movie Royal Tenenbaum and when that happened, as well as the music and the choice of Elliott smith, and that the roles of the people living in deep depression or abuse neglect, we enter this world like a true representation of the world. This is where filmmakers can take us into the dream world to show us the deeper reality past the reality we live in.

His new movie Venetian scheme I saw last night and it was so fun to hear even some people laugh at some of those liners. I saw it with just a general audience and Lawrence Kansas at the Regal theater, and I kind of liked seeing it there even though it's regal and not an independent movie theater because then people could be allowed to laugh. I do love independent movies but the idea of laughter especially when the themes are so dark but again a reflection of the realities we all go through. He has his style of getting the mise on sin and we all know he is very particular about it, in a measured way. But isn't that what's fun about that skiing scene? So fun but it's also how the fun enjoy is attached to fast moving dialogue. When people argue they really have it out everyone starting at the same time and finishing at the same time. That's what arguments are like, no one hears each other.

Might look at the Phoenician scheme because it's really fascinating how he uses this none in a way that both is making a statement I mean the heaven scenes are hilarious, and a judeo-christian way, but also this character who is really earthbound. The nun. Well the main character is on trial in heaven. As he goes in and out of close death situations.

For me Royal tenant bombs was a relief to see hear these are people are depressed but it's somehow a good movie? People leave not feeling depressed? Like a but other real dramas might do to us. That this surreal approach of reality is a better way for us to be removed from the depressing realities we face. The family Dynamics and dysfunctions.

Great search db

 https://luthersem.libguides.com/religionfilm

Superhero films

 Journal of Religion & Film 

Volume 21 

Issue 1 April 2017 

Article 37 

4-1-2017 

Superhero Films: A Fascist National Complex or 

Exemplars of Moral Virtue? 

Chris Yogerst 

University of Wisconsin Colleges

Cinema Paradiso Scriptio Divina

 Okay, so I am doing a mashup of Italian with Latin, but both sound so well together! One is the famous film about movie-going, the second is about writing as a sacred practice.

Films and writing are sacred to me.

To write

 https://www.instagram.com/reel/DKNwJZIy8Rw/?igsh=Ynlpc2xrNXFxbHA4

I had to write my Escape story via a poem. Maybe that's what this Memoir is to help those who couldn't escape Topeka and still have to face these horrible men but know that you can go anywhere to find horrible men.

Independent movie theaters I'll never forget

 I I think the most impactful one out of the spirit I did when I had to take a chance of risk to go to Seattle to see what was left of the Grunge music scene and to find it was already gone 

Just days after my birthday I went to see the release of Basquiat and now I'll Search for the movie house

How movies help me to remember things as in what times and what things were going on the films are markers for what's going on

Like Divergent March 21st 2014 opening night I'm there at Alamo Drafthouse for the first time realizing Kansas City had this movie theater before I even knew it was a franchise. It would have been spring break. And here it can unfold all of these memories because of that film and that movie theater that I would come to Treasure until it shut down in 2020. Which is another story

Amazing film critic

 https://www.rogerebert.com/mzs/the-unloved-part-137-immortals

I found someone I need to interview. I found this person to be so engaging!